yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
