Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Randomize
