Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
