im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
