I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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