Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Vodka?
Forever.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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