Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
