Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
