He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
