dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
