i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
