Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Small penises have feelings too.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
