my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
