i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
