I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I wish you could order shots online.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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