I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
