Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
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