she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
