I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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