fuck your aforementioned shoe
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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