I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
