sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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