1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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