I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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