If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
