How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT