Kareoke will never be a sober sport
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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