I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
