I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
