Need sex. Gaining weight.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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