If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
