I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.