I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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