Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Randomize
