mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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