hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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