Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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