I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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