We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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