I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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