So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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