the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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