It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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