Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
