you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
