Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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