tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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