Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
