My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
