Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
