You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
