You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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