dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
