Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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