Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
