So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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