you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
