I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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