My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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