my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
