walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
