I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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