RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
