im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
