And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
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