Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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