I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
